Actor: I am rage!
Actor: I am greed!
Lily: I am rage ... envy!
Barney: I am out of here.
Ted: Come on, you were only 16 when you had sex, I was 17.
Marshall: You were 18.
Ted: Barney was probably 12.
Barney: Good one Ted. I was six ... ff ... four ... How old were you again?
Barney: Dude, me too!
Ted: I'm 'Too Much Tongue Guy'.
Lily: And I'm 'Unreasonably Small Mouth-Opening Girl'.
Barney: Worst... superheroes... ever.
Barney: I have dreamed about this day boys and it’s going to be legendary. Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we’ll be there. Any time a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo sticking their heads up the sun roof shouting “What's up New York?” we will be what is “up New York!”
Barney: Marriage is stupid! Every year there are a million new, hot, 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me 'glass-half-full,' but I think they're getting dumber.
Girl at bar: How old are you?
"Old Barney": 83, how old are you?
Girl at bar: 31.
"Old Barney": Ugh. *Barney walks away*.
Robin: Come on, Ted can't be pregnant. You need to have sex to get pregnant!
Robin: Guys are like the subway. You miss one, another comes along in five minutes.
Lily: Unless it's the end of the night, then you get on anything!
Ted: Why are you sleeping in our tub?
Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
Lily: Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it. I totally didn't sleep through it. For a little girl, you've got a big tank.
Barney: Do it! Come on Ted, do it! It's one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.
Ted: What? Sleep with a prostitute?
Barney: No, lose your virginity! What Up!
Robin: You know, I've been thinking about this. I don't think I want kids.
Ted: You don't want to have kids?
Robin: You know, Ted, not everyone is as much as a woman as you are.
Barney: Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs. It's a scientific fact. The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images, or BPEGs. And your hard drive's filled to the capacity with Lily's.
Barney: Dude! You were awesome last night! You were charming, you were funny, you were totally working that girl!
Marshall: You went home with her!
Barney: Yes I did.
Barney: No one is turned on by a man's calves! They're a completely unerotic body part.
Marshall: You would say that because of those chicken legs.
Barney: I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.
Lily: If he's really droning on, you can always practice saying the alphabet backwards. You know, in case you get pulled over for a DUI.
Robin: I guess I don't know how to do that.
Lily: Yeah, it's really hard, even when you're sober. That's what I tried to explain to the cop.
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