'Last Cigarette Ever' - Season 5, Episode 11
The gang tries hard to kick their smoking habit, while Robin deals with a downbeat new co-anchor at Channel 1.
Air Date: December 14th 2009.
Ted: Dude, if you don't stop tapping your foot, it's coming off!
Marshall: Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry. Maybe I should move it closer to your ass!
Lily: That Don guy, what a tool.
Robin: No, he actually apologized after.
Lily: No, when he stood up those briefs were pretty revealing. You should date that guy.
Robin: Yeah, not in this lifetime.
Old Ted: They were dating within three months.
Lily: You smoked.
Marshall: Yes, I smoked! And it was my third of the day! You know what that means? I'm a smoker now! It's all over! I even bought a pack on the way home, and a lighter, and a Vikings lamp which has nothing to do with anything but I saw it in the window and I liked it.
Lily: Damn it, Marshall! We already have four Vikings lamps, and smoking kills!
Robin: If I can't get my best friends to watch my show, who's gonna watch?
Marshall: Lots of people. You got bed ridden insomniacs, bums waiting outside of department stores, people waiting in ERs where you can't change the channel because the TV's in a little cage.
Lily: Oh! Do you have any stalkers?
Robin: Yeah. But even Leonard won't watch my show.
Barney: Arthur Hobbs hating Marshall, that's no big deal, he hates everybody. It's the people he doesn't know are the ones he cuts loose, like what's-his-face.
Marshall: He fired what's-his-face, Ted! And what's-his-face was invaluble!
Ted: Look, I understand why you're upset, but it's not worth killing yourself over.
Barney: Yeah. Wait until you get laid off, then kill yourself. Like what's-his-face. Although I guess now it's more like where's-his-face.
Lily: Barney, could you not bite your nails so loud?!
Barney: I'm not biting my nails, I'm trying to suck the leftover nicotine out of my fingertips!
Barney: (While smoking) I'm proud of you guys! I have heard how difficult it is for smokers like yourself to quit, and on behalf of non-smokers everywhere, I salute you, and I am here to help. So hand in your cigarettes, and I will get rid of them one at a time.
Lily: (Raspy-voiced) You're quitting, dollface. I know I don't normally call you dollface, but it kinda works in this voice. Dollface.
Barney: I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans—sometimes those two overlap—coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course—wait for it 'cause Lord knows I have—pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.