'Bagpipes' - Season 5, Episode 6
Barney and Robin's relationship troubles lead them to ask Marshall and Lily for advice.
Air Date: November 2nd 2009.
Ted: You can't be serious! Listening to Barney is what got you in trouble with Lily in the first place!
Marshall: No! Those dishes are my manhood, and if I want to leave my manhood in the sink caked with ketchup and pasta—
Barney: What are you eating?
Marshall: I'll wash my manhood when I'm good and ready!
Marshall: I don't care if the dishes are done! If you care, YOU do it!
Lily: Well, I don't care if you have an orgasm! If you care, YOU do it!
Marshall: I went eighteen years without the touch of a woman, I can do it again!
Lily: You might have to!
Barney: It's like Gandhi said: "Smile don't cost nothin', sugar!"
Ted: I'm not sure you know who Gandhi is.
Ted: So, anytime you think you might have a fight, you just get up and leave?
Barney: 100% effective. Can't fight if you're not there. That's what Gandhi taught us.
Ted: Boy, that's not true.
Barney: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and you could play with the big boys. Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail while you were still playing Dave Matthews Band on yo mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer rub with my hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about baking microwave and fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but... thanks for your concern, rookie.
Barney: Okay, we all have our assignments for the weekend. Ted, you're gonna stand up to your neighbors. Marshall, you're going to stand up to Lily. And Robin, I'm gonna need you in some sort of a crouching position in the bear-skinned rug of our skiing chalet. Ready? Great!
Ted: I see what's going on. You, my friend, are suffering from a little known condition—"little known" because I just made it up—called New Relationship Smugness.
Marhsall: She's small, and vicious, like a badger that your brothers caught and starved for five days, then stuck in you sleeping bag!