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Ted Quotes

Barney: Do it! Come on Ted, do it! It's one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.
Ted: What? Sleep with a prostitute?
Barney: No, lose your virginity! What Up!

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4.7
From episode Mary the Paralegal.

Don: Ted, do you think it's weird Robin's still friends with Barney?
Ted: I think it's weird we're all still friends with Barney.

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4.7
From episode Twin Beds.

Barney: Robin Stinson!
Ted: Robin Mosby!
Barney: Robin Stinson!
Ted: Ted Scherbatsky! I'll take her name, I don't care!

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4.7
From episode Twin Beds.

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser.
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references.

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4.6
From episode Pilot.

Ted: What is Robin's dream job?
Barney: To become the most successful woman TV journalist of all time.
Ted: Correct. And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?
Barney: No. Robin's deep-seated need for attention can be traced back to her father's emotional distance. And no amount of success will make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her dad: "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?"
Ted: YES!

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4.6
From episode Robin 101.

Robin: You stole the blue French horn for me.
Ted: I would have stolen you a whole orchestra.

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4.5
From episode Something Blue.

Future Ted: I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions; we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house ... is this house.

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4.4
From episode Home Wreckers.

Ted: We fought for so long, seasons changed outside the window.

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4.4
From episode Stuff.

Barney: Marshall, did you sell us out?
Marshall: I was vulnerable! I said goodbye to a dear friend today.
Robin: Dude, it's a barrel!
Ted: Aw, you're giving Mabel away?

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4.4
From episode Robin 101.

Ted: Hey, don't you have a paper to write?
Marshall: Dude, you're talking to The Kid. I'm gonna knock back this beer. I'm gonna knock back one more beer. I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna write a 25-page paper, I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get an A. My name is Rufus and that's the Trufus.
Future Ted: He got a B-, but still; 25 pages in one night? B-? The Kid was good.

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4.3
From episode Purple Giraffe.

Ted: "Long distance" is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

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4.3
From episode Cupcake.

Lily: Wait a minute. Those are your pyjamas? You sleep in a pyjama-suit?
Barney: Of course. What else would I sleep in?
Ted: A coffin.

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4.3
From episode The Front Porch.

Robin: So that settles it. Don's a rabbit.
Ted: I wouldn't be too sure. Don ... Donald ... Donald Duck? And what does Donald Duck never wear, I wonder? Pants.
Lily: Pants!
Ted: Don's a duck. Requesting permission to lawyer.
Marshall: I'll allow it.
Ted: Lawyered!

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4.3
From episode Rabbit or Duck.

Barney: So, what do you think of Robin?
Ted: I really need to get to work, so...
Barney: Great. Say you and I went suit-shopping, and you happened upon a beautiful suit—a beautiful Canadian suit, double-breasted. You try it on, but it's not exactly the right fit for you. So, you put it back. Then I try it on. I don't really want to take the same suit that you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.
Ted: Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel.

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4.3
From episode The Leap.

Barney: Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression. What's with the face?
Ted: It's half you're pathetic/ half I have to pee.

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4.2
From episode The Slutty Pumpkin.

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