Barney: Your tombstone will read "Lily Aldrin: Caring wife, loving friend and Slap Bet Commissioner"
Marshall: And on Barney's grave it'll read "Got slapped by Marshall so hard he died"!
Ted: Why don't you check your list?
Barney: My list?
Ted: Come on, man. Don't pretend you're not the kind of guy who keeps a list of all the women he's slept with.
Marshall: I have one. It's called my marriage license. (He and Lily high-five)
Barney: (To Ted) There's a girl in your bed.
Marshall: And a pineapple. Am I the only one who's curious about the pineapple?
Marshall: Now the kid has got to get to work, and the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Ted and Lily: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Marshall: Well, we have the whole place to ourselves.
Lily: I'm thinking ... floor sex!
Marshall: Sounds reasonable.
Marshall: We've had sex 1,053½ times ... my mom called once.
Marshall: Wow. You're here, and not in stall 2.
Ted: Yeah, so?
Marshall: I might have made some wildly inappropriate homo-erotic comments to a man wearing your shoes.
Ted: Why do you think I call her Chewbacca?
Marshall: I assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and because I resemble a young Harrison Ford.
Marshall: Wait! I'm wrong! I'm wrong! That wasn't it! They couldn't find a cab. So my dad called up from the street.
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Hey! Marshall! Marshall! Looks like rain out here! I-I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet! You know who probably has an umbrella?
Marshall: And then... well see my dad grew up in a small town in another generation. So sometimes, totally well meaningly he'd say stuff like...
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: The Koreans across the hall! The Koreans are trustworthy and generous people!
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: I bet one of the Koreans have an umbrella! Heck! They're Koreans!
Marshall: My dad's last words to me were a string of odd racial stereotypes.
Marshall: This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.
Barney: Let the hunt begin!
Marshall: Wait! I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with you hunting my constitutional law professor.
Barney: Who would you rather have grading your papers? A savage, man eating, jungle cat or a purring, satisfied kitty?
Marshall: Go Barney, go mount and stuff that cougar!
Robin: Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal, but you've exaggerated it in your mind; you know, um, like the Loch Ness Monster.
Marshall: If by "like the Loch Ness Monster," you mean "totally exists and is awesome," then, yeah, it's like the Loch Ness Monster.
Marshall: Ted, what does your mom always say?
Ted: Nothing good ever...
Marshall: Nothing good ever happens after 2a.m.
Marshall: Ted is not screwed. You want to know why I'm nice to everyone? It's because I don't care about baggage. Most people see a person walking down the street with a big heavy bag they're carrying and they just walk on by. But not me. I look at them and say, "Howdy, stranger. Can I give you a hand with that?" And you know who taught me to be that way? A guy called Ted Mosby. A guy who's uncynical, and sincere, and believed in things. And you know Ted, I believe, deep down, you're still that guy.
Brad: (pushes pen off the table) excuse me your honour but I dropped my pen (bends down to pick up the pen, jury full of women stare).
Marshall: Your honour no one needs this long to pick up a pen.
Judge: I'll allow it (stares at Brad).
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