Actor: I am rage!
Actor: I am greed!
Lily: I am rage ... envy!
Barney: I am out of here.
Ted: Come on, you were only 16 when you had sex, I was 17.
Marshall: You were 18.
Ted: Barney was probably 12.
Barney: Good one Ted. I was six ... ff ... four ... How old were you again?
Barney: Dude, me too!
Ted: I'm 'Too Much Tongue Guy'.
Lily: And I'm 'Unreasonably Small Mouth-Opening Girl'.
Barney: Worst... superheroes... ever.
Barney: I have dreamed about this day boys and it’s going to be legendary. Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we’ll be there. Any time a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo sticking their heads up the sun roof shouting “What's up New York?” we will be what is “up New York!”
Barney: Marriage is stupid! Every year there are a million new, hot, 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me 'glass-half-full,' but I think they're getting dumber.
Girl at bar: How old are you?
"Old Barney": 83, how old are you?
Girl at bar: 31.
"Old Barney": Ugh. *Barney walks away*.
Ted: Why are you sleeping in our tub?
Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
Lily: Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it. I totally didn't sleep through it. For a little girl, you've got a big tank.
Barney: Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs. It's a scientific fact. The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images, or BPEGs. And your hard drive's filled to the capacity with Lily's.
Barney: Dude! You were awesome last night! You were charming, you were funny, you were totally working that girl!
Marshall: You went home with her!
Barney: Yes I did.
Barney: No one is turned on by a man's calves! They're a completely unerotic body part.
Marshall: You would say that because of those chicken legs.
Barney: I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.
Barney: Can I grab a scotch and soda real quick?
Bartender: Nope. I'm not allowed to serve anything until the reception.
Barney: Wow, you just cost yourself a big tip, buddy.
Bartender: I'm not allowed to accept tips. Buddy.
Barney: You allowed to accept criticism? You, sir, are an ASS! Buddy.
Barney: You're the most awesome person I've ever known. Well, second most awesome.
Robin: Right, of course the first being you.
Barney: No, no. The first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror. What up?
Barney: So I explain to her, I said, "Madeline, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude.
Ted: So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Barney: Gaza Strippers! Next!
Barney: Apart-thighs! What else you got?
Ted: Cold War.
Barney: Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!
Barney: Lily, This is bigger than me and Robin. All these years I have been bustin' my hump with my secret identities, and my tricks, and my gadgets. I mean I'm like Batman, but this Mitch fellow is Superman: he just rips off his clothes and he's good to go.
Marshall: That's a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno.
Barney: When will you guys realize that the only difference between my real life and a porno is my life has better lighting?
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